Needs...

I am in PL300, a class I hate, and of the things they tell me is that I have an inherent "need for competence"...I disagree. But, that's not the point. A couple of days ago, I wrote a blog about my father and thinking about him...again. (and Mike, don't worry about the email...a billion things can trigger me thinking about my Dad...that was just one of them that day.) Alex wrote the following comment on my blog:

Every time I look down and see my own feet in worn out Birkenstock clogs I get a little dizzy. I ran into my English teacher, Mr. Raymond, at the grocery store a while ago. He told me his parents died young, and he said it gets worse, not better over time, that each year he wishes more that he could tell them, "Look, I made it." Which sounds grim, but closer to the truth than a lot of things I hear.

I think that said what I've been feeling way better than I could...maybe I do have a need for competence, or just reenforcement. I want to know, not just think that I "made it"...that my dad would be proud of me, but I don't have that. I will always think, no matter what I do, that maybe, just maybe, it's not good enough. And, if anyone of you knew my dad, you would know how absurd that is, as he was the most unconditionally loving person I've known. (Jesus, I remember how many people showed up to his funeral, people who had met him once or twice, friends of mine who wanted to stop by just to tell me how much he meant to them because he had this way of making people feel special and accepted and loved...so to think that anything I could do might disqualify me from that is absurd...but still...)

I want him here to see my ring. I want him here to hug me when I get my diploma...I want him here to be angry I'm failing MS, or to tell me...yeah...you made it.