WWJD?

Compare and contrast the disgusting and un-godly behavior of a bullied, gay teenager who started an anonymous twitter handle to tell other kids to stay strong in the face of bullying with a Godly, Christian pastor who gives his congregation a "special dispensation" to "crack the wrists" of effeminate four year old boys and force their daughters to dress up and act pretty if they want to play sports. Clearly the former is a blight in God's plan and the latter is just a biblical preaching paradigm of virtue.

All this while Mitt Romney's openly gay advisor quits the campaign because of "hyper-partisan politics" and not because lots of right wing activists hate him for being gay.

Sorry...I know this post is rather obnoxious...but this stuff happens every day, and people wonder why I sometimes get upset. Not everyone is as lucky as me...and it's not about luck. It's about society and the lack of effort by those of us who can make a difference making the concerted effort to change things. As far as I'm concerned, anyone who doesn't leave that Church, or demand the pastor step down, is accepting of his words and a direct contributor to the culture that is quite literally killing our youth.

racism

Without much commentary or analysis by me, two interesting and related (it seems) links. An article about how all-white influence can affect your judgement and another, a study, showing that an all white jury is 16x more likely to convict a black defendant than a jury with even one black person on it.

Lest we think racism is always something overt and intentional, these seem to point to something else--that the system is inherently "racist" as a status quo, and that it takes active diligence to ensure fairness otherwise.

The article
The study

Priesthood

I read an article this morning and was struck pretty emotionally.

The article is a once over about how traditions continue and why. Of particular note to me was the last section on "the unbelieving clergy".

Many years ago (1998 to be precise) I was about to graduate high school. I knew I didn't want to go to college and was looking for a future. I wanted to "help people" somehow, but I didn't know who and I didn't know how. I was devoutly Catholic, fasting twice a week and reading the lives of the Saints. I was aware, but not accepting, of my sexuality and aware of Catholic teaching that a life of celibacy was the only way to salvation for someone who was gay. Unable to accept that I was gay, but more than willing to accept that if I was I needed to be celibate, I took the celibacy demand and coupled it with my lack of direction but desire to help people and determined I had a "calling" to the Priesthood.

Most Catholic boys feel a "calling" at one point or another, but it's generally when we're younger, alter server age, and don't know what "celibacy" REALLY demands--at that age it just means not getting married (which most young boys don't yet want anyways because women would detract from their desire to avoid cooties and play with toys).  I was older, however, and knew what it means. I'd even been to the Seminary in San Diego, invited by the Bishop in an effort to recruit younger men to the priesthood and hand chosen with two others by our Priest, Father Bud.

I told no one--a calling was something ordained by God and I wanted to be sure of my "calling" before letting anyone in on it. I wrote to the Pontifical College Josephenium--if I was going to be a Priest, I was going to do so in the "best" way possible--no half-assed priestly studies for me, I wanted the rigorous, Vatican approved, conservative full-on Catholicism.

I was an assistant Youth Pastor, of sorts, and the Church was paying for me and one other guy I went to High School with to get certified by the Diocese of San Diego to serve in that capacity.  Our Youth Pastor, Gilbert (who, I should add, was an amazing person who to this day inspires me), was looking to retire and pass along his job to one of us, or at least move on to something new.

At that point I started reading very heavily into theology. I read the entire Catechism of the Catholic Church as though it were a novel amongst other things, and as many encyclicals as I could--the internet was just beginning to become a resource in this matter and the Vatican's website was slowly uploading translations of them. I quickly went to Humanae Vitae, which I knew to be important in modern times, and read that.

Around this time, our family had a "family meeting". Funds were tight, my older sister was in college and I was (it was assumed), about to go to college as well. We needed to have a hard talk about what we could and could not afford. At that point, I decided to share--I told my family they needn't worry about my college, because I was going to be a Priest. I shared the pamphlet that PCJ had sent me and told them I was "called".

Almost from the very moment I told someone else what I was considering, I began to second guess myself. Was this REALLY what I wanted? Did I REALLY believe this? How could I lead people spiritually if I didn't really believe it? I didn't know what I believed! But...I had told my parents already, so how could I tell them otherwise, especially if I had no other plan AND they were short on money?

The very dilemma that the author hits on in the article linked above began to plague me--how could I back out of the commitment I had now made publicly to my family, and implicitly to my church?

I kept reading and kept finding more things I disagreed with--but because none of them were, it seemed to me, "infallible" doctrines of the church, I could disagree but still believe in the Church, and still continue on to the Priesthood. And then, one day, I read something I couldn't believe. It wasn't anything big, like the trinity, it was in fact a rather small infallible doctrine. I honestly can't even remember what it was--but, there it was. I was caught. I could no longer believe in the Church because the Church had claimed that it was A. infallible and B. that something I knew to be untrue was true.

And yet...I was supposed to be a Priest. I'd told my family.

I feel for people who have not had that moment until it is too late--who have gone further than I had and whose entire lives are dedicated to something they can't believe any longer. I am lucky that I had a friend who pushed me to join the military instead--I had an out. I can only imagine what it must be like for the non-believing Pastor. Like a closeted homosexual in a heterosexual marriage, it must be a life of constant lies and half-truths.

I'm not sure why I even decided to post this now after not posting for months. I think a lot of the emotions that I had chosen to ignore or forget came back--the emotions of being gay in a faith that believes it a sin. The emotion of losing your God and faith when you once believed. The fear of losing your support, the love of friends and family, because they feel you have lied to them. Those are things that are not fun--and yet I went through them all when I was 18 and 19 years old. I didn't feel young then, but I look back now and can't imagine having to go through that again at 31.

I'm glad I don't have to, and I'm comforted by the fact that I have the certainty that my fears were unfounded. I'm lucky enough to have the love and support of family and friends--and now a husband--who will support me no matter who I am or what I believe. I only wish I could say the same for everyone who's gone through similar--

As a side note, having had this conversation before, the loss of faith for someone who comes from a strong faith community is not as different as you might think from coming out is for LGBT people. Both involve a period of recognition and acceptance of who one is, coupled with the fear and realization that the very acceptance that brings you peace of mind may cost you the love of those who had until then given you peace of mind through their support.

truth in elections and balance

I was discussing with a friend the other day our views on politics. Not where we stand politically, but how we think the electorate, and the majority of Americans understand and think about politics. It's been an interesting few months for me, being married to Peter (who is rather apolitical and who unless forced to confront an issue simply doesn't notice it) and living with my mom (who likes politics and is rather opinionated, but who due to her lack of navigational skills on the Internet tends to get most of her information from facebook and/or cable TV news channels).

I was asking my friend what he thought a study  might reveal that took measurable metrics about America (such as "are tax rates higher now?") and compared them to the general view of what tax rates are now in comparison to before. It was my contention that there would be a disconnect--that voters would tend to believe whatever they were told the reality was, even though there may exist data and facts that would refute those opinions.

Luckily enough for me, something similar exists--and it appears, sadly, that I was right.

Here are two charts re-posted on Andrew Sullivan. The first shows tax rates since Obama took office compared to what people think the tax rate is. The second shows growth in government spending as a percentage of government spending under each of the last presidents since Reagan.

The first is, I think, more telling. The public believes, provably incorrectly, that taxes have not only gone up, but that they've increased dramatically. In fact, they have gone down.

The second I think is less useful only because one could argue that since government spending is higher under Obama than it was under (say) Reagan, that a smaller percentage increase in spending is a higher total increase in spending. I personally disagree that such an assertion disqualifies the main point of the argument, but I also don't think all government spending is inherently bad whereas most people who would agree that the counter-argument is useful do believe that most government spending is inherently bad.

So, what's the take-away? The take-away is that a democracy is only as successful and functional as the electorate is educated. Our current system of educating the populace, which depends upon a free and open media, is failing us because in the interest of "balance" we have (as a whole) decided to "balance" facts with non-facts simply to show "both sides".  Facts, unfortunately, don't have "sides" but we have decided that they should. 

As a side point, another interesting thing about "balance" is the take I've heard from Fox News fans--that Fox is "balanced" because it is "balancing" the combined slightly leftward skew of all other news outlets in general. If one were to watch ALL news outlets (including Fox) they argue, one would come out with a general net-value of zero on a liberal to conservative scale, and thus, without Fox, "the news" would skew leftward. Unfortunately, most people don't watch all news outlets and, especially for those who watch only Fox, they get only one side--the "balancing" of the leftward skew which is heavily conservative. It is the intellectual equivalent of a healthy person taking enough insulin to balance out the diabetes of his family members.

I got GRINDRd this morning...

I woke up this morning and my phone had re-downloaded every app I’ve ever had. It was kind of ridiculous. There was a flurry of hitting “OK” and “accept” without paying much attention to what…banks, social networking, location etc.

I got to the gym and went to use the restroom and, as always,  play angry birds when suddenly, a familiar sound came from my phone twelve times over…it was the Grindr.

For those of you who don’t know, Grindr is a gay social network/dating/hookup app (like any tool, it is all in how you use it, not what it is intended for).  I laughed as there were messages from six, seven months ago that I’d not read and it reminded me of times past, when the Grindr was a fun way to pass time at the airport and even once got me a ride from Killeen to Austin with a nice young man who wanted to help out a stranded Soldier (and, yes, it was genuinely free and not “free”).

As I began lifting, I began to reflect on the Grindr and on the feelings it brought back.

Before I had an I-Phone, I would sometimes borrow a friend’s phone and make a quick “profile”…nothing more than a photo and age. It was shallow and petty, but it was what I had. I put myself out into the cyber world on just my looks and one line (“I’m pretty nice, my family says so.”) to see what would happen. I never had quite the number of “hits” as other people and often would go days without anyone even saying hello. Friends phones would perk up with the familiar “grind” a dozen times throughout a meal while mine remained silent.

I was searching for validation from the gay community. I wanted to be wanted…it was really that simple. I took it all very personally and as a measurement of myself. I could go into a weekend feeling high on life and come out a Friday night feeling worthless and rejected all because an app didn’t garner me the attention I thought others were getting.

It was more than Grindr…there was Manhunt and A4A, connexion and e-harmony. Even facebook could be used to search for love, lust, dating and friends…and that’s what I did, often.  I think back now and realize that I was not only wasting my time, but I was being ridiculously self-defeating. Searching for affirmation outside oneself is futile if you’re not happy with who you are.

My friend Marco, who’s known me since I was a plebe at West Point, was hanging out with me in Austin. I had been drinking and spent a weekend vying for the affections of whomever would show me attention. I had just been dumped and, in retrospect, was trying to compete with someone who would always get more attention than me to begin with.  I thought I was having fun but was really, and very transparently, trying to change my behavior to fit what I thought was expected of a young, gay, single man. I built an artifice of alcohol and sex and partying to “fit in” trying to make up for I thought was lacking. (If a gay man didn’t “fit in” with the straight world, he surely doesn’t want to be rejected by the gay culture!)  I had met a lot of new friends, with whom I’m still close today, and found myself starting every story with, “really, I NEVER act like this but…” and then delving into stories that generally started with me being “so wasted I…” Marco laughed, and then replied, “you know, New Adam is fun, but I kind of miss Old Adam.”

I was slightly offended. I thought that I was who I was and that was it…who was Marco to imply that I was pretending or changing??

It turns out, he was right. It’s been a slow realization, and one which Peter saw long before I did, but change isn’t always revolutionary.  I am the person I was before those days again…someone who is happy with himself and who lives up to expectations that are only his. When one is rejected (or rejects) the popular (heteronormative, in my case) culture, one runs the risk of embracing a similarly definitive culture on the other end, changing his behaviors and expectations just as wildly from his own natural base in order to fit them. For a long while, this is what I did. I changed who I was to fit a culture that I let define me instead of defining myself.

I can’t say why or how I came to realize this, but a large part of it has been the grounding influence of Peter, who has taught me a lot.  Honesty with others is sometimes easier than honesty with oneself, but Peter has always seen through the artifice and knew who I really was on the inside.

It made me slightly sick, thinking about those days. Not because they weren’t fun, and not because of the people or even the drinking and partying—none of those are inherently bad or wrong  and in no way am I making a value judgment about them—I was sick because I realized that for a long time, almost as much so as when I was in the closet, people I considered friends didn’t know “old Adam”—the real Adam.  That I could have wasted so long trying to be someone I was not is so far removed from what I always hoped I stood for, it’s hard not to regret.  But, in the words of the Avett Brothers (whose songs are often sad, but not ALWAYS so), “I won’t go back/ and I don’t want to/ ‘cause all my mistakes/ have brought me to you.”

So, I guess my point is just a reflection on how far I’ve come and changed and grown since I’ve met Peter. Sometimes you don’t notice…but it happens. And, I’m glad it has. I prefer genuine Adam to artifice Adam any day…and hopefully other people do as well!

live blogging the ninetieth republican debate

20:08 OK...no more live blogging. I'm done with debates.

19:59 Romney just smacked down Newt about promising everything to all states...

19:58 what is all this anti-chinese jingoism? It's ridiculous...

19:50 the all important future of NASA question--Romney, I'll get scientists and commerce to sing kumbaya. Newt: he just said NASA is mis-managed--in Florida. Wow...offer prizes to get an American on the moon. (no, really, he said that).

19:35 I wish I had enough money to "blind trust" let someone else invest and then get paid! Also...Newt just got his arse handed to him.

19:22 Newt, "No one should be trapped in a linguistic trap." Romney calls PACs "the people" They are SO far in the weeds about immigration without saying anything different at all...

19:21 Romney keeps confusing "legal immigrants" with Americans. The irony is strong, but I doubt his audience gets it--illegal immigrants DON'T TAKE AMERICAN JOBS

19:20 Mitt won this round without saying anything, really...

19:17 Newt, after running ads in Spanish, calls for English as the official language.

19:15 Romney--guest worker cards and e-system that employers can check. Just curious what's to keep people from asking me for my guest worker card. Think it won't happen? People used to ask my dad how much he charged for lawn care, five years after we moved into our house.

live blogging the SOTU

20:39 this speech is vapid, but at least not offensive (unless you consider lack of substance offensive)

20:36 give citizenship for service in the military--but you can't get a secret clearance, so you can't use the computers so...you can't really get promoted...seems a little "rock and a hard place"

20:32 Al Franken!!

20:30 Some of these things are just cheer lines...I don't know why I'm watching. (My husband just called my blogging "my work" :) I love this kid!)

20:27 the Joint Chiefs look REALLY bored...and where are the zoomies and Marines?

20:24 minimum tax on all corporations to support American companies? That's interesting...

20:20 it's all past so far...republicans are confused if they should clap for GM or not

20:12 starts of with a pander to the troops. No one can be against troops, right?

20:11 There should be a "no ovation" rule...either that or the opposite, more "you lie!" guys--I mean, at least TRY to be genuine.

20:08 Chief Justice Roberts greeted him with what appeared to be a rather warm and genuine smile...Ginsberg doesn't look well :(

20:06 Was that Dick Cheney?!

20:05 This whole thing has got to be the most ridiculous thing we do as a country. It doesn't drive policy, it's purely political. There are so many norms and traditions that are, what...a decade? old, why bother? It makes us all look petty and rather silly.

19:58 First lady's "guests" I hate that...people-props

19:57 Alito, Thomas and Scalia all skipped the SOTU...and Sotamayor--is this going to be her norm?