Thursday, May 06, 2010

me, dating vs. single

When I was dating, I had confidence. Why? Because I knew someone wanted me. I would go to bars and clubs and chat it up with whomever struck my fancy. Sometimes, that would mean people who were obviously out of my league, but it didn't matter because I knew I had someone back home so I wasn't flirting anyway, I was just being myself and having a good time. Because of that, I probably got hit on more in the last five months than I had in the first 29.5 years of my life combined. I never took anyone up on that because, again, I was seeing someone.

It was awesome. I could dance and talk and enjoy a drink and just have fun without any of the crap that generally goes on at bars (ie. judging people, giving the once over to anyone you make eye contact with, trying to determine if someone's single or not blah blah blah boring boring shallow shallow). It was awesome.

Now, I'm single. Now, I don't talk to anyone at bars. Why? Because I know that if I do, they're giving me the once over. They're deciding if I'm worth their time or not. Worse yet, I care about the judgement. So, what fun I had when I was NOT single, I'm not having when I am because I'm nervously thinking, "am I being interesting or funny? Am I being pathetic?"

My ex was out of my league. Maybe that's not true. I was told we were a good looking couple. But I also know that if we went out together, one of us definitely turned more heads than the other, and that was not me. When together, I was like a window people saw through in order to see my ex. I was OK with that though, because I knew that I was the one who won at the end of the night.

I don't feel like that any longer, mainly because I didn't win in the end. There are a lot of reasons for that, some of which are good, some of which are bad. But the point is, my self-confidence is shot. It's a vicious cycle. With no self-confidence, you don't attract anyone. The fewer people you attract, the lower your self-confidence plunges.

I don't think I'm an unattractive guy. I'd say on a scale of whatever, I fall somewhere in the middle. But, because I have no confidence, that drops quickly to "whatever". As in, when I go to bars and see someone attractive, I can see the expression in the eyes, and even the glossy, beer induced red color doesn't hide the rating..."whatever."


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