Disgust

Have you ever been disgusted by yourself for any reason? Today, I had one of those moments. I realize that I'm being really over the top and that I can't fix the world, but something about the sequence of events tonight really just...it hurt me in the heart (or, I'm having a heart attack...but having never had one, I don't know what it feels like, so I'll just say it hurts).

I went to the mall with Mike Ballmann and some other friends. We wanted to eat dinner and maybe see a movie. I grabbed my phone, my broken iPod (I'd hoped to take it to be fixed) and my wallet and off to the Palisades Mall for a little New Jersey style friday night fun and dinner at some pseudo-asian place. I'm not feeling so hot, so after the appetizers (lettuce wraps and a plate of other asian goodies) I wasn't able to get through most of my meal (Pad Thai). I gave it to Mike and nursed my beer.

After that, we split up for a bit...I was determined to find a pair of black jeans, which is the newest thing I've decided I "need"...a pair of black jeans. I don't know why, but it was in my head "must find black jeans". The Apple people weren't able to help as the "genius bar" was crowded so I left. I thought, just for a moment, about buying a new iPod and just throwing the one I have out, but thought the better of it.

We went to the theatre and didn't see anything we wanted so we went to Barnes and Noble from there. I had seen an episode of Six Feet Under while I was home and thought it was amazing. I saw the box set for season one was a hundred bucks and thought well, why not? When I went to the counter, Mike, me and the girl behind the counter came to the realization that, because of the "2 for 1" deal going on, along with DVD's all being 10% off and opening a BN account, I could get all five seasons and a boxed set of Asian movies for Mike for the price of two seasons. I don't know why, but I bought them...all five seasons of Six Feet Under.

I still wasn't feeling well so I came straight back to my room and found an email from a friend with this video on it (please watch the whole thing...not at work though, if you have a heart, you might not be able to work for a while):

(If the video doesn't work, here is a link.)

Hence, my disgust. iPods, cell phones, a whole dinner thrown away, hundreds of dollars on beer and wine almost every month, black jeans, cameras...sometimes, when it hits me how much I have and how little I need compared to how little others have and how much they need, it makes me feel sick.

I know I can't feed them all, I can't save the world...but when I think about the ratio of what I could do compared with what I do do, I can't help but feel ashamed and disgusted.

Here's a question for everyone. If I had the opportunity to help others, to do something big that would help more people than I can right now in a tangible way, but it would put at risk everything I have now, would it be worth it? I know that's a vague question, and I know it's one that doesn't have an answer anyone can provide me but myself...but how much are you willing to give up to help others? A little? A lot? Everything? Would you give up your dreams so someone else could have his?