Passing of a Grandfather...
My Uncle Gary called last night and woke me up. I knew what the call was about simply because there are few reasons to get a wake up call from an Uncle other than death, and I had also known for some time that my Grandfather and Aunt were both nearing that point. This call was about my Grandfather. I called my mom and sister's to let them know and sat there in bed wondering what to feel.
My grandfather was non-existent to me growing up as he had left my father and family when my father was in his early teens. A decade ago when he appeared in our lives again, he appeared as a drunk...someone who I knew only be his phone calls, the anxiety he caused my father and the difficulties he posed to my grandmother. I remember his ex-wife, Betty, and her funeral, and my dad's half-brother, but very little else about the first five years he was in our lives again.
My grandmother re-married him at a ceremony at our house which I was not there for (a ceremony I missed for something I must have thought was important but cannot now even remember). He made a model ship by hand, which he gave to me and over the last five years has always been the most excited person to receive my phone calls.
I wanted to love him, but he hurt my father so much in life and my grandmother as well that it was always difficult. And now...I want to mourn him, but knowing how much pain he was in and how difficult life was for him, the best I can muster is mourning the life he could have led but didn't. Knowing that he had a son he never really knew who, had he been there for my father, he would have been even more proud of than he was of me. My father, despite all the pain my grandfather caused him, would have mourned him today because a father, even a father as bad as my grandfather was, is to be mourned...
My grandfather was non-existent to me growing up as he had left my father and family when my father was in his early teens. A decade ago when he appeared in our lives again, he appeared as a drunk...someone who I knew only be his phone calls, the anxiety he caused my father and the difficulties he posed to my grandmother. I remember his ex-wife, Betty, and her funeral, and my dad's half-brother, but very little else about the first five years he was in our lives again.
My grandmother re-married him at a ceremony at our house which I was not there for (a ceremony I missed for something I must have thought was important but cannot now even remember). He made a model ship by hand, which he gave to me and over the last five years has always been the most excited person to receive my phone calls.
I wanted to love him, but he hurt my father so much in life and my grandmother as well that it was always difficult. And now...I want to mourn him, but knowing how much pain he was in and how difficult life was for him, the best I can muster is mourning the life he could have led but didn't. Knowing that he had a son he never really knew who, had he been there for my father, he would have been even more proud of than he was of me. My father, despite all the pain my grandfather caused him, would have mourned him today because a father, even a father as bad as my grandfather was, is to be mourned...
posted by Adam at 5:03 AM
1 Comments:
Hey Adam,
This has been a weird week. I found your post interesting because I always thought your family was much closer to him. I feel bad that I don't feel more grief at his passing. I'm sad for my dad because despite the total broken state of their relationship, he was still hit pretty hard by it. I suppose it's like you said, a father is to be mourned. It sort of feels like someone else's grandfather died. I feel sad for my dad, but don't have the emotional tie to feel sad myself.
I find myself missing your dad a lot these days, which I know is a daily thing for you. I miss you and your sisters and mom. Love you all and hope to see you soon.
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