Monday, March 21, 2011

The most trying times in my life, I've gone through with family, but alone emotionally. What I mean to say is, when my dad was dying, there were three couples--my sisters and their husbands, and my mom and dad--and me, alone. Later, as I was trying to decide if I should stay at West Point or not, and weighing my options, I was not only alone, but I didn't let my family know that I was thinking of quitting or why.

This is how I've learned to deal with life--alone. Not only that, but I've also made myself the "go to" for my mom and sisters. While they may deny this, or at least not really see it, it's been that way, and I don't mind. In fact, I like that they can come to me. But, having built those walls, it's very difficult to let them down and ask someone else for help or accept help when given.

I prefer, or at least am more comfortable with, saying, "there's nothing wrong" and dealing with it on my own in the privacy of my room and blog. Now, however, there are family issues, a few of them, and I have someone here. It's strange. I'm not sure how to deal with this.

There's a part of me that thinks, "well, this is nice..." but there's another part that wants to completely push away and say, "hey, can you come back in a few weeks when I've got this all figured out?" It's kind of sad, I think, that at thirty I've developed the emotional response of shutting people out because alone is the only way I'd ever dealt with life before.


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