my escape

(For the purpose of being inclusive, I will refer to my ex as "Pat", as in "It's Pat", so that both my male and female readers will follow this equally personally.)

I once, five or six months ago, needed an escape. I had been dumped, which happens, but more importantly, I had been hurt, badly. I was lied to, and made to feel it was all my "fault". It didn't end pretty. Other than the death of my father, I can't remember a time I've felt as badly as I did--but unlike my fathers death, this pain was directly caused BY someone. As in, someone CHOSE to make me feel how I did.

So, I found an escape. I wrote more, I made new friends, I hung out in new places and things were good. The friends I made were amazing and are still my friends, and the places and things I did to escape were equally grand.

But, over time, Pat invaded those people, places and things.

And so...now what? What do you do when your "Pat" has become part of your escape? You can't ignore Pat, it doesn't work. Even when Pat's not there, Pat's there. Pat's there in the stories that aren't told (because no one wants to bring Pat up) or the jokes that involve Pat. Pat's on your facebook and photos and everywhere else.

Do you cut your losses and find a new escape? But what about the friends you've come to know and love? You can't throw out the baby with the bath water.

My friend Alex recommended forgiveness. She says that the thing about forgiveness is, it doesn't matter if Pat deserves it or not, it makes you feel better than holding onto hate. But I can't do that yet. I don't know if I ever can. All I can hope for, right now, at least, is that my own Pat just leaves. That Pat's no longer part of my life, my escape or otherwise. That Pat--just isn't.