Monday, March 29, 2010

know when to hold em

I had posted on the FB the quote that dating is like gambling, "you gotta know when to hold em..." etc.

To further that, since this is my first REAL dating experience, I would say it's a bit like being in Vegas for the first time, but you only have two choices: take your chips or home, or let it ride.

Every time we have a first (or, more appropriately, I have a first, since I'm the one new to dating), it's like I say, "let it ride." We have a good date and it's the first time I've had a date like that? Great...let it ride. I'm in a little deeper. We have a fight and get through it? "let it ride" I'm in deeper.

I'm winning. My emotional stack of chips keeps getting larger, but I don't get to hold them...someone else does, and that means someone else could easily walk away from me. There's a lot of trust. There's a lot of winning, but there's a lot of trust. For someone who's not use to that (me), it's difficult to trust that much. But, I'm doing it. I'm letting it ride. My stack keeps growing, and I'm winning...for now.

Saturday, March 27, 2010


I'm writing this here instead of on facebook (where I now write far more often due to both ease of publishing and because I'm normally on there anyway), because less people read this one.

That being said, I've been in a relationship for a while now, or, have been trying my hand at it. I still keep that one close to the chest because--well, I'm a private person believe it or not.

Not to immediately contradict myself by sharing private things, but I will do so anyway. Last night, we got into our first fight. It was kind of a big one, and, I like to think, equally both our faults. I kept thinking to myself, "why?" Why were we fighting? There are obvious initial causes (I was sick and upset I didn't get a phone call. Whereas my harping about not getting a phone call was an obvious turn off and cause of anger on the other side.)

But what I've come to realize is that if we didn't care about each other, if it weren't something that was, or has the potential, to be "real" then we wouldn't be hurt or angry. My mom used to tell me that someone can only hurt you if you care about them. I think that's true. That's what makes yesterday and how I'm feeling right now so much harder. It's my realization that the first time I might realize that this is "it" is when I may have lost it. It took being hurt, and hurting someone, to realize that I don't want to do that, that I'd rather just let this pass and be where we were before, because I really do care.